In the 1947 film, Its a Wonderful Life, actor Jimmy Stewart plays a character embittered by life’s circumstances who in a moment of desperation considers throwing it all away to suicide, but due to timely divine intervention from a misfit angel named Clarence, he ends up getting a new lease on life. What was then a box office flop is now a Christmas classic.

For me, a similar divine intervention came a little over 20 years ago. Although no angels visited me in the night that I can recollect, nor did I jump off a snow covered bridge into icy water below, I did considered ending my marriage and abandoning my wife and children which is essentially what George Bailey would have accomplished had he followed through with killing himself. Ironically, George sidelines his own self-harming plans to save another soul who does actually jump into the icy river. This someone else turns out to be Clarence, his guardian angel who preemptively jumps knowing the compassionate George will come to his rescue.

Though you the reader may not initially see the comparison, I too was mentally preparing to jump. Not into the icy clutches of deaths embrace, but into the well trodden valley of abandonment which I now believe most likely would have eventually lead me to the bridge anyway. Ironically, this all took place while at the same time working as a case worker for Big Brothers and Big Sisters, trying to help children of single parent households attempt to piece their lives back together following similar events in their own parents lives.

What I really though I wanted was to be a famous novelist or screenwriter with all the benefits I thought went along with that. While on the one hand I was an idealistic, sensitive, caring young man with a genuine concern for the needs of the downtrodden, while on the other, an arrogant, self absorbed, adventuring seeking playboy. I realize the comparison with George Bailey may be a stretch, in you the reader’s eyes, but to me, upon seeing it, I immediately felt the connection, although in contrast, my selfish side usually seemed to be leading me most of the time.

Then one day, I met Evelyn, my own guardian angel. She was a middle age black woman and a career caseworker who sat opposite me a few doors over. She was married to a middle aged career felon who was in and out of prison and though she was clearly visible to others and never claimed or confessed her status as my guardian angel, there is no doubt in my mind that she was indeed sent by God to interrupt my self destructive behavior and selfish impulses.

Day in and day out, Evelyn patiently endured my cross-examination of her Christian faith and gently encouraged me with her quoted scriptures and her encouraging, calming voice. She challenged me to read the Bible for myself and never shied away from my doubting inquiries. Although her husband seemed to perpetually keep her in the midst of the storm, the peace that she radiated throughout that unending storm was an alluring mystery to me.

Then one day it struck me, at least in retrospect it seemed like one day, but I guess I found myself increasingly finding it more and more difficult to look myself in the mirror. The thoughts of leaving my family behind was becoming more and more distasteful rather than more and more desirable. Now, rather than looking anticipatingly toward some unknown adventurous future, I was increasingly haunted by visions of what I would be leaving behind. In my mind, I kept seeing my three year old son crying and reaching out to me at the end of the driveway as I pulled away, saying, “Papa, please don’t leave.”

A monumental spiritual war was being waged for my soul and the tension was manifesting itself in my dreams, visions and the physical world. Eventually this culminated in the realization that I was no longer the good guy in the story running off to do heroic things. I could no longer rationalize a rosy scenario in my head where someday I would return to an older son and daughter and introduce myself as their long lost father. Someone who “had to do what a man had to do,” for my sake as well as theirs.

One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that when I start to rationalize my behavior, it usually means that I am trying to make excuses for bad behavior. Not always, but I guess when you have these feelings, thoughts, or as I mentioned a moment ago, these realizations enter your psyche, what do you do about it? What was I going to do about it?

Part of my rationalization was telling myself that my wife and now, three children would be better off without me. I was wounded from a failed previous marriage and accustomed to running from one relationship to the next. Hiding from attachment had become my modus operandi. In the end analysis, I’m thankful for Evelyn, whom God placed in my life to help lead me to that crisis of conscious that brought me to that moment. I’m even more thankful for my patient and loving wife who put up with me during those trying times. And though it has sometimes been a difficult journey, it has totally been worth it.

Anyway, call it the promptings of a guardian angel, call it God induced guilt or shame, self awareness or conscious, but whatever you do, don’t ignore it. For if you do, if you fail to question your own motives and actions, you really are setting yourself up for some of life’s biggest mistakes. Granted, we don’t always get it right, but when we do, it can be a beautiful thing, a wonderful life really.

My beautiful thing is still playing itself out in the shape of a 26 year marriage, three wonderful adult children who love their father and mother and now a grandson whom I look forward to seeing as often as I can. When I think that I almost missed this I’m overwhelmed with emotion and thankfulness to God for having reached into my life, and given me the support I needed for protecting me against my own selfishness and pride.

He used a faithful, God fearing co-worker, my conscious, my patient wife, and His love to help mend my wounded heart to help me learn how to truly love.., sacrificially. I don’t really miss all those things I thought I wanted so badly back then, so please don’t mistake my use of the word sacrificially. You see, people who disagree with our beliefs and our guilty conscious are not bad things, but merely God’s tools for testing our motives. When listened to and thoughtfully measured against God’s word, they can be useful allies for correcting our courses in this journey called life, when ignored, like running a red light, it can have disastrous consequences.

The secret to living a wonderful life isn’t always getting what you think you want, but learning to love what you have in the midst of accepting a gift from a loving God we don’t easily understand.

The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life. Revelation 22:17

Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels. Hebrews 13:2